Ultramarine

https://soundcloud.com/lookingfordyan/looking-for-knives

I heard this song on my way back from another episode of “who are you?”, and how I have the potential to inflict pain by not knowing.

Another episode of no grey areas, because there’s no such thing

Another episode of pretending that the sleepless nights I spend in my bed are just from the books I study, and not my brain.

“I’m on Spring Break” and I should smile more often because smiles are bought with university fees.

Phases in her life are associated with genres of music

Music is the only thing that had the power to blow some glitter in her darkness

She used to walk every day, at 6 pm to the park

The conversations she had with herself at that time were of very big importance to her, until her neighborhood got too weird for her to walk alone.

You see At 15 she never cared about how twisted she looked to converse with herself, but he moved to university and no one but herself was able to remind her that one day

Perhaps one day

Her body in curved height and bent bones would fit just right in someone else’s

Some him out there who would love her along the mess she was born with

This mess was a gift, but no one likes messy.

She’s 20 today, and the more she thinks about her 15’s, she wishes she had consumed her 6 pm walks to talk herself down into loving herself more.

5 years later, and self-doubt still haunts her body every night before she goes to sleep

It’s crazy how her 15 year old heartbeats return to her 20 year old body

It’s also beautiful knowing how one’s brain is capable of reaching out to all parts of the body, to eventually order them into functioning against oneself.

The eyes never peacefully rest and the heart skips a beat to many faces but it all comes down to who makes it skip longer than the rest.

She was spoken out of living in tomorrow because it’s the present she forgot, until one day it hit her

“if I were to die today, and not tomorrow, I would like to die with the notion that it is death that awaits me and nothing more”

She was able to confirm the crazy theory of who the fuck cares anymore.

“We’re all dying anyway. We might as well die fulfilled”

She beautifully crafted this theory, for those who feared riding a rollercoaster because it dropped too steep

Those who seemed to forget that rollercoasters eventually get back up

For those who never live by the name of life itself.

Like her parents, always fearful...

She never plans on growing like them, and if she ever had the chance, she’d tell her kids to explore what the world has to offer, for she fears they’d ever live in the disorientation she suffers from

She had spent her life caged in her room from outsider voices and opinions that lingered like a shadow

Then one day she forgot she was ever alone, distracted her silence with many voices until she forgot how to do be alone anymore

She became more vocal and her stories got too many

She shifted into frequencies depending on who she was sitting with

She broke her heart with her own fist because those heartbeats were getting too loud for night-time.

That’s when she realized it wasn’t only her soul that was lost, but the multiple frequencies she had always lived by created the “temporary happiness” mentioned in 15 thousand entries before,

And this temporary happiness suddenly turned into a shade of blue.

This entry was given a color, UltraMarine in reference to the pigment used by painters long ago

Blue is not necessarily sad.

I’m UltraMarine.

“Gloomingly radiant”

I glow in Cyan around those who make me glow

And when I’m alone with my thoughts I’m the darkest navy you will ever meet

I know I’m special like that

Ultramarine stands out in a spectrum of blue

Not all shades of blue do that

Not all shades are extravagantly human