Noir

What do I want to write about?

A million things

This is why I'm going to write whatever crosses my mind

It will be a mess

I’m giving this blog a color; black.

Unidentifiable

Like any other black hole, it contains all the good and the bad

My retreat

Fear

One of the most underrated things that ever exists today

Pretty ironic concept if you think of it

People fear to appear fearful

They still fear though

The element of being scared is still there

It’s something that shouldn’t be lied about it’s a legitimate feeling

Just a random thought to get out of the way.

What am I most afraid of?

Many things

Holes for starters

They call it trypophobia

Walls and confinement

Claustrophobia

I can’t solve a test next to a wall

You know I once had to aggressively strip off a mask during a facial because my brain kept telling me I was suffocating

I just never pictured my end on a facial bed

Irrelevant, Proceed

I’m afraid of spiders

They have way too many legs

Anything that has many legs makes me anxious for some reason

Like an octopus

I’m afraid of many other things like losing certain individuals from my life, my mom’s babouj, and being obligated to turn vegan

All jokes aside

I’ve always been afraid of dying.

I don’t think I can be adventurous and not think about dying

Reason isn’t because my life rocks and I can’t let it slip away

It does, but that’s just a quarter of it

I just don’t want anyone to shed tears over me

This took a very unexpected dark turn

Attraction

When two opposite poles of a magnet naturally draw towards one another

It’s crazy how couples go on about them being so similar like they were made for each other, but I really don’t think so..

I believe there’s always someone out there in the world who is the exact opposite but a perfectly customized match for the other on an astrological, biological, and even atomic level.

Whether this person is across the world, or even right next door

This person just doesn’t happen to match the endogamy criteria everyone’s obsessed with

Repulsion

When two equal magnetic poles forcefully push away from one another

I’m molecularly repulsed by the whole idea of meeting someone, it’s never been this good.

I’m just not interested

The issue isn’t that, but the fact that no one takes rejection the way it is

I have to reject ten times before it’s considered valid

As if the first couple of times weren’t done rationally

I now have to ensure that the objective of an outing is strictly friendly through a set of stressed interview questions and behavior analysis. Hypnosis is also an option

At some point things got so bad that my best friend had to virtually destroy the existence of anyone who was trying to get to know me

It gets too pressuring it draws confinement to my throat and chokes me with the horror of feeling targeted

Social media plays a horrendous role in conducting this homicide.

I’m out there for a specific purpose but there’s nothing to draw the line of distinction between “I have a purpose” and “I want attention”

A little overdramatic but the whole situation can get too extra

pause

proceed after the beat drops

wait for it...

I don’t ever see myself longing for my high school days

Like ever…

I don’t think I was completely convinced with the social scenario at that time

It’s difficult to carry out a personality that thinks, feels, and senses things very differently than the rest

I’ve always silently judged the way things operated around me

A teacher once told me to look at things differently and not see them through my eyes, but through the eyes of others, because my subtle aggregation was starting to reflect in class and sometimes “hurt the ones around me”

This has always been the case now that I think about it

No really

This also happens at home

It’s always been my bubble & i against the world

It was before yesterday when my father asked about my plan for the next two years

Since I’m a person of hyperopia

I revealed to him the step by step scheme, to chase the dream I was forced to set aside by the time I got a degree in something more reliable.

I also have zero intentions on staying here

Away from the land of personality eradication

Probably why I’m so rebuffed by getting myself into a relationship right now

It can either screw up my plan

Or get me emotionally attached to someone I am too selfish to hang on to while I’m away

I don’t believe in long distance relationships what so ever

As vaguely put out,

I believe a relationship is built on experience, support, and certain levels of I know your system while you know mine.

Not on skype calls, texts, and occasional visits to each other’s homes

I don’t know what god has planned out for me

I can’t be so sure of anything.

I think revealing my plan to my father somehow scared him

He told me I’m the type of person who builds a path in inches and I always have to remember who I am

His seemingly wise words created a clash in my head;

"Who I am, or who you want me to be?"

I love to dance

To deep melodies of I’m going to race your heart to 130 bpm.

Not to words

Regardless of what I might listen to

My ear filters out the words and absorbs the music only while it gets processed into either goosebumps or oxytocin

Deep house is all I’ve listened to since high school

It’s capable of firing something Inside of me

My goodnight sleeps have become far from good recently

I’ve been encountering the same exact nightmare for the past 5 days

Whenever I believe I’ve gotten used to it, I always end up waking up from a tight squeeze in my heart and tears in my eyes

It’s not even scary when I think about it

But it bothers me so much I want to sleep well.

I’ve had a fair share of sleep paralysis at some point

I still do sometimes

I get from mi padre

He taught me to twitch my fingers or toes to wake myself out of it

A friend of mine told me to take advantage of it and learn to control myself into an out of body experience

Sounds tempting, but I just want to sleep through the night and not disconnect my soul from my body thank you very much

I can’t picture where this is going, it really is going no where

Just random thoughts and ideas aligned on the page that offers you the non-spoken illustrations of my heart and brain.

It’s summer

Enjoy the sun.